Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How naked do you want me to be?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
