we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
