We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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