So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
