Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
