So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize