I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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