Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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