Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
