i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
