She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
