watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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