Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
