All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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