I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
