mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
