I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
