mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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