If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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