He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
