he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
whose parrot is this?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
