Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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