I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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