could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
