Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
