well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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