If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
