I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
