Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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