The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
