WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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