I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
