the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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