Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
