dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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