My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
