Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
