A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
