his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
