Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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