He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
