Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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