No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize