I cockslap morals
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
