how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
