Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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