If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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