Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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