Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
