Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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