He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
