smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
