we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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