I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
