he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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