I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
