Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
