I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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