So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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