I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
