Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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