I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
